THIS IS FABULOUS!!!
>
> It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula
> Vista , CA . He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to
> 'explain God.' I wonder if any of us could have done as well ? [ ....
> and he had such an assignment, in California , and someone published it,
> I guess miracles do happen ! ... ]
>
> EXPLANATION OF GOD:
> 'One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the
> ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on
> earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are
> smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his
> valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to
> mothers and fathers.'
>
> 'God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot
> of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at
> times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV
> because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible
> lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it
> off.'
>
> 'God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps
> Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your
> mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.'
>
> 'Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are
> any in Chula Vista . At least there aren't any who come to our church.'
>
> 'Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on
> water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't
> want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them
> and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he
> told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to
> forgive them and God said O.K.'
>
> 'His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard
> work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road
> anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad
> out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for
> God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without
> having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.'
>
> 'You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because
> they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.'
>
> 'You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy,
> and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!
>
> Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going
> to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the
> beach until noon anyway.'
>
> 'If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very
> lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp,
> but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in
> the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water
> by big kids.'
>
> 'But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I
> figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.
>
> And...that's why I believe in God.'
>
>
> (If you believe in God, please pass this on, and may God bless you too.)
>
> Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you!

> For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One
> night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
> reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would
> go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise
> the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
> She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
>
> To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
> 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
> payments to begin.
> One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,
> she said, you received a very strange post card today.'
> 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, ' he said. The wife did
> and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
> On the card was written:
>
> 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
>
> Three with meatballs, two without
>
> Send extra sauce

My mail carrier told me that the US Postal service sent out a message to 
all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep
yellow-jackets away. Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer.  I
use it when I am working outside.  It really works.  The insects just veer around you.

 All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!

   1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.  It also repels mice.

   2. Spread sheets arou nd foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.

   3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.

   4. It repels mosquitoes.  Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.

   5.  Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.

   6.  Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.

   7.  Dissolve soap scum from shower doors.  Clean with a sheet of Bounce.

   8.  To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.

   9.  Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.

   10. Prevent thread from tangling.  Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.

   11. Prevent musty suitcases.  Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.

   12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.

   13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan.  Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean.  The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan.

   14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets.  Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.

   15. Collect cat hair.  Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the lose hairs.

    16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds.  Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.

    17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering.  A used sheet of Bounce will col- lect sawdust like a tack cloth.

    18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry.  Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.

    19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers.  Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.

    20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.

    21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them.  It will keep them smelling fresh.

Quick, bounce this on within the next 5 minutes!  Nothing will happen if you don't, but your friends will be glad to hear these hints!

>> Never Argue with a Woman
>>
>> One morning the husband returns after several hours of
>> fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
>> with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She
>> motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
>>
>> Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up
>> alongside the woman and says, "Good morning,
>> Ma'am. What are you doing?"
>>
>> "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking,
>> "Isn't that obvious?")
>>
>> "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he
>> informs her
>> "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.
>> I'm reading"
>> "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
>> you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in
>> and write you up."
>>
>> "For reading a book," she replies,
>> "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he
>> informs her again,
>>
>> "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.
>> I'm reading"
>> "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
>> you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in
>> and write you up."
>>
>> "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with
>> sexual assault," says the woman.
>>
>> "But I haven't even touched you," says the
>> game warden.
>>
>> "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For
>> all I know you could start at any moment."
>> "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
>>
>> MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely
>> she can also think. Send this to four women who are
>> thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're
>> intelligent.

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little: Once upon a time ~~~~~~~~ in a land far away, ~~~~~~~~ a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess ~~~~~~~~ happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. ~~~~~~~~ The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. ~~~~~~~~ One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am ~~~~~~~~ and then, my sweet, we can marry ~~~~~~~~ and set up housekeeping in your castle ~~~~~~~~ with my mother, ~~~~~~~~ where you can prepare my meals, ~~~~~~~~ clean my clothes, bear my children, ~~~~~~~~ and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " ~~~~~~~~ That night, ~~~~~~~~ as the princess dined sumptuously ~~~~~~~~ on lightly sauteed frog legs ~~~~~~~~ seasoned in a white wine ~~~~~~~ and onion cream sauce, ~~~~~~~~ she chuckled and thought to herself: ~~~~~~~~ I don't freakin' think so

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand..In all The confusion of trying > > To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked My cell phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the darn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call. Stupid women drivers